Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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