she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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