how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think my moral compass just broke
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
