update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
