This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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