Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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