I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
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