I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
