guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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