Say something about gay babies.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
