i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
