rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
