Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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