Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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