im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
