It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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