i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
