I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
