There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
