atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
