If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
