when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
