I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
They took my balls.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
