I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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