You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
