I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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