She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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