So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
