Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
