I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
