It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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