ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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