I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
