i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just gargled with NyQuil
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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