as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
