My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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