My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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