Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Vodka?
Forever.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
