Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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