Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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