Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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