I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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