Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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