also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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