When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
