Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
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Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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