He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
