My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
