please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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