I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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