So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
