I will die if light touches me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
