you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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