i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
