Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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