She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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