As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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