Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
