first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
