I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Houston, we have a blender
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
