I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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