so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize